Category Archives: Movies

Why Oh Why Did They Jar-Jar up The Hobbit

I will preface this rant with this; I did think the Hobbit was a good flick. It was definitely not as good as the Fellowship but Peter Jackson did a pretty good job of bringing us back into Middle Earth into the story that started it all. However…

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Seriously – What the Fuck inspired Peter Jackson to allow a bunch of cartoony, Jar-Jar Binks-like antics into The Hobbit? Smoke coming out of their ears? Bugs flying in and out of a dwarf’s nose while he is sleeping? And what the fuck was up with the Keystone Cops-style antics during most of the battle scenes? I swear it was like one person imagined half the dwarves as bad asses (as they should be) but then another person decided the other half of the dwarves were fucking clowns. Seriously – fucking clown shoes.

Here’s a hint. Take the rating the movie is going to have and stick to that content level. Stop trying to pander to the tiny children or others with small underdeveloped minds. They have their own movies they can watch. We have ours. I know why so many movies fall into this idiotic trap but please look past the toy sales opportunity and keep some integrity and dignity in this adored and treasured story.

I’m going to assume Peter Jackson was tricked into it by some douchebag exec somewhere when he was totally sleep deprived and powerless against suggestion. However, the pass is used up and he has a year, and two, to correct this egregious mistake and make these movies what they should be. If George Lucas can shelve the shit, so can Peter Jackson.

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True Monsters of Horror Don’t Fucking Sparkle

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Seriously – what the fuck is up with the “vampires” of Twilight? They are nothing more than a bunch of glitter covered lame ass emo kids. How, why, who got the idea that it is OK to redefine such a classic and amazing mythical creature such as a vampire? Their lore is rock solid, set in stone. It’s not something you simply change because you want to be “original”. There are certain unspoken (unfortunately as they should have been spoken in this case) rules of lore and mythos that make important facts of mythical creatures untouchable. Glittering in the sun, really?

So what next, dragons are now fluffy buffalo that fart raspberry bubble gun?

Seriously – WHAT THE FUCK!?

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