Monthly Archives: December 2012

Here Comes Another Apocalypse, This Time Mayan Flavored

Good old end of the worlds. I am in my 30’s and have already weathered a good half dozen apocalypses. Go me! Some have been truly catastrophic while some have been barely spoken about on the news. However, they all have one thing in common: they all make me want to shout “SERIOUSLY – WHAT THE FUCK!”

The worst New Years Eve party I ever went to was for Y2K. I thought it was all a big joke…a good apocalyptic reason to drink too much. However, my fellow partygoers were seriously scared out of their minds. Several didn’t want to drink so they were ready to react to the End of Days. Others were literally, and I use this word in its real sense, rapt with the news coverage of the 386 computer cam they had set up watching “The End”. I shit you not. Once my alcohol soaked mind realized they were really, REALLY scared, I made the mistake ofmaking fun of them. Needless to say I spent Y2K ringing in the new year kissing the beer I had and holding a conversation with the interesting cigarette I was smoking, the only other thing on the porch.

So this apocalypse, I will have the good manners to not make fun of all of the idiot lemmings. This year I plan to exploit them! Little did you know that the Mayan Apocalypse was also tied directly into the undead to finally bring about the most popular and awesome apocalypse there is, the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

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That’s right sucka! Being here, reading this has infected you! You have no choice but to share and spread the infection across Facebook and all other forms of media. What’s more awesome than a fake Mayan Apocalypse? A real Facebook Zombie Apocalypse! Make sure you spread it throughout the day because zombies are insatiable brain eaters and now you are one! Mwhuahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Get to work my zombie minions!

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Why Oh Why Did They Jar-Jar up The Hobbit

I will preface this rant with this; I did think the Hobbit was a good flick. It was definitely not as good as the Fellowship but Peter Jackson did a pretty good job of bringing us back into Middle Earth into the story that started it all. However…

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Seriously – What the Fuck inspired Peter Jackson to allow a bunch of cartoony, Jar-Jar Binks-like antics into The Hobbit? Smoke coming out of their ears? Bugs flying in and out of a dwarf’s nose while he is sleeping? And what the fuck was up with the Keystone Cops-style antics during most of the battle scenes? I swear it was like one person imagined half the dwarves as bad asses (as they should be) but then another person decided the other half of the dwarves were fucking clowns. Seriously – fucking clown shoes.

Here’s a hint. Take the rating the movie is going to have and stick to that content level. Stop trying to pander to the tiny children or others with small underdeveloped minds. They have their own movies they can watch. We have ours. I know why so many movies fall into this idiotic trap but please look past the toy sales opportunity and keep some integrity and dignity in this adored and treasured story.

I’m going to assume Peter Jackson was tricked into it by some douchebag exec somewhere when he was totally sleep deprived and powerless against suggestion. However, the pass is used up and he has a year, and two, to correct this egregious mistake and make these movies what they should be. If George Lucas can shelve the shit, so can Peter Jackson.

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Phat Phart Tubes are Phucking Awesome

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Need I say more? No, but I’m going to. Apparently this car owner not only wanted the loudest and most annoying farts coming from his stylish car. But how to you kick it up that one extra notch? Well, what do farts do? They stink right. That’s right! Nothing a little trash can fart tube conversion can’t handle.

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We Have Never Been On The Moon

Seriously – What the Fuck? These conspiracy theories drive me up a fucking wall but this is one of the worst. This shit is so far fetched that it just boggles the mind on how anyone can even remotely consider it. Instead of spending hours on the fucking paranoid and delusional websites that are out there why don’t you try to check out the many more websites out there that are full of tons of things that prove we have been to the moon many times. For fucks sake we have already started to trash it with our leftover junk! This is shit we can see with visual telescopes…

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This Is Sci Fi Gold Right Here

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This car is a thing of beauty. Or is it a van? Hell I don’t know. Good to see that the attention to detail fell all the way down to the proper call numbers on the side. Sweet.

You thought I was sure to rag this one, didn’t you. A car guy guy can’t appreciate sci fi. As if.

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